Here to round out my top three fears in my phobia theme.
The fear of failure.
This one is the hardest for me to write about. There are very few areas of my life that are not touched by this fear. The fear of failure has gone a long way in shaping who I am - I am sorry to say.
I loved sports growing up. But, by the time I was a senior in high school, I didn’t go out for any sport. Why? - because, while I was a pretty good athlete as a 13 year old, I was a mediocre athlete as a 17 year old. And, because when you are a senior there is no JV to fall back on. You either make varsity or you get cut. There was a very real chance I would get cut as a senior. So what did I do? I quit before I gave the coaches a chance. Not one of my prouder moments.
What’s even more embarrassing is how often this fear of failure pops up in my relationship with God. And I should know better. Christianity is so wonderful precisely because it is not a merit based system where success and failure are determined by our behavior. My standing before God; my acceptance in his family; my eternal security… has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with the righteousness of another. Our obedience – our Christian life is not to be some lame attempt to avoid failure in something we could have never been successful at in the first place. Jesus has purchased our success. Our victory and our hope are in him – and him alone. We need never fear that we might lose God’s favor or his love toward those who are in Christ. That’s what I preach at least; that’s what I tell others when they come into my office for counseling; that’s what I believe – really and truly.
But, believing that and remembering it day by day are two very different things. Grace seems so foreign to me at times – so contrary to my nature. I keep having to tell myself that grace is true. But… it just seems too good to be true.
In my weaker moments I tend to imagine God shaking his head toward me, “What a disappointment you are, Greg. You had such potential – I had such high hopes in you. You were going to do such great things for the Kingdom. Look at you. You are a failure.”
I wonder how much of my obedience, how much of my ministry is prompted not out of love and gratitude for the one who loved me first – but out of fear that I might actually hear those words from God.
It’s kind of sad isn’t it? Living in fear that the God of the universe who loves me so much that he would give his only son in my behalf, would get fed up with me because I didn’t have a quiet-time today. It doesn’t make much sense does it?
I realize how silly it is. But, it’s hard to teach a stubborn soul new grace. God is still working on me. I still have a long way to go.
There is one who wants me to feel like a failure. But, it isn’t God.
The fear of failure.
This one is the hardest for me to write about. There are very few areas of my life that are not touched by this fear. The fear of failure has gone a long way in shaping who I am - I am sorry to say.
I loved sports growing up. But, by the time I was a senior in high school, I didn’t go out for any sport. Why? - because, while I was a pretty good athlete as a 13 year old, I was a mediocre athlete as a 17 year old. And, because when you are a senior there is no JV to fall back on. You either make varsity or you get cut. There was a very real chance I would get cut as a senior. So what did I do? I quit before I gave the coaches a chance. Not one of my prouder moments.
What’s even more embarrassing is how often this fear of failure pops up in my relationship with God. And I should know better. Christianity is so wonderful precisely because it is not a merit based system where success and failure are determined by our behavior. My standing before God; my acceptance in his family; my eternal security… has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with the righteousness of another. Our obedience – our Christian life is not to be some lame attempt to avoid failure in something we could have never been successful at in the first place. Jesus has purchased our success. Our victory and our hope are in him – and him alone. We need never fear that we might lose God’s favor or his love toward those who are in Christ. That’s what I preach at least; that’s what I tell others when they come into my office for counseling; that’s what I believe – really and truly.
But, believing that and remembering it day by day are two very different things. Grace seems so foreign to me at times – so contrary to my nature. I keep having to tell myself that grace is true. But… it just seems too good to be true.
In my weaker moments I tend to imagine God shaking his head toward me, “What a disappointment you are, Greg. You had such potential – I had such high hopes in you. You were going to do such great things for the Kingdom. Look at you. You are a failure.”
I wonder how much of my obedience, how much of my ministry is prompted not out of love and gratitude for the one who loved me first – but out of fear that I might actually hear those words from God.
It’s kind of sad isn’t it? Living in fear that the God of the universe who loves me so much that he would give his only son in my behalf, would get fed up with me because I didn’t have a quiet-time today. It doesn’t make much sense does it?
I realize how silly it is. But, it’s hard to teach a stubborn soul new grace. God is still working on me. I still have a long way to go.
There is one who wants me to feel like a failure. But, it isn’t God.
1 comment:
First, nice revamp of the blog. I'm proud to have been present when the byline was first coined.
Second, great post. I'm not a wordsmith so I can't articulate these things very well.
I don't think you're in the minority on this one -- probably an added feature of the Fall. I keep waiting for someone to come to work and say,"I'm sorry, there's been a mistake. Please follow me. Leave your badge with the front desk on your way out. Thanks."
But know this: there are still a few charter members of the fan club. And we are not so easily deceived.
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